Behind my shoulders...

Every once in a while, I think about growing up. I think about having a different life from the one I have now. I think about changing that little something in me that makes me want more. That makes me have different dreams…
Why is it so hard for me to accept that there is happiness in settling down? Why is it that the older I get, the more I can feel my wings flipping? Why do I keep thinking of place I will move to next? The next places, the new friends I will make. All the new things I will see. Why is it so hard for me to go back home and accept that I might be a tree and not a bird?
Trees are great. Come on! They live a lot. Birds have a life span a lot shorter.  
But then again… Oh, just the thought of the wind blowing on my face and beneath my wings… Just the thought makes me want to close my eyes and flow and fly…
I sometimes can feel a physical need to move, to distance myself and seek silence and loneliness. To seek a place where I can hear my thoughts and just let them flow without interference.
And then… I fall in love. I find again and again that other side of me. The wanting one, the one that has the power to clip my wings. I find myself stretching between two powerful needs, the one I show and the one I hide.
That is when I look behind my shoulder and I can see every single person that was or is part of my life. I can see the good and the bad. I look behind my shoulder and I can see myself through all my years trying to make sense of myself. The good and the bad. And every once in a while, I find a piece of me that I want back.
Reading something someone else wrote showed me one of those pieces. It made me remember what it was being 15 and crazy and platonically in love. I could physically feel the pain of my heart breaking. All the crying and the desperate need for someone who does not even know that you are in love at all. All the poems about lost love, drama and unrealized dreams…And then, new love. New hopes and dreams. Easy like that!
Where is the part of me that can fall in love like that and suffer so much? Where is that part of me that can heal so fast? That part can mend the broken links and be whole again. The part that can look behind my shoulders and can chose to ignore what she sees…
Have I flown too far?