I doubt, therefore I am... in doubt?

It’s Christmas. Yes, I know that time flies. Oh, believe me… I DO know it. I can see my time flying and I cannot help but wonder what I am doing with it. Yes, you had that doubt before and your neighbor had it as well. We all did. Let’s face it… We all, sane people, stop to think about how we are living our lives. It is actually quite good that we all do so. It keeps the world going!

Still, it is hard not to be left with some sort of quiet discontentment of how I am leading my own life. It is not even a matter of not knowing what I want. I have my “wants” all tagged down and numbered. The greatest problem is that it seems that the things I want do not necessarily want me back.

So, as a good soldier, I put my war uniforms to get some air and get prepared for battle. And battles I face with a proud face only to realize that there are wars which are not fought in any kind of battlefield. They are fought inside of me. They are fought facing only one enemy: myself.

I toss and turn on my bed every night trying to justify my dreams to myself. I keep trying to understand them. I keep trying to find a way to blend in wherever I am and with my every attempt I just move farther. I just feel… out.

I cannot help but keep looking at the window to see if I can find some answers from an outer source. And I suddenly realize what my greatest fear is. It is impossible not to bitterly laugh of how sure I am of what I want and yet I have no idea if I will be happy once I get them. I have no problems paying the price and waiting the time to achieve my dreams. Not at all. I long ago accepted it as a matter of life (although the grey hairs on my head have been bothering me for some time now).

What I cannot stop fearing though is the silent doubt that even after I travel all the miles, I will still feel slightly discontent. I will still have this tiny small piece of myself that is filled with vacuum. This little voice that tells me that there is one dream that I was not brave enough to face.

Well, I can only hope that Santa could write me a note telling me what this tiny little secret dream is because I am tired of being clueless!