Almost

This is a translation of a text I wrote some time ago… funny enough, it seems like such a long time ago. But it was a text I specially liked because it was a good reflection of my thoughts at the time… It goes more or less like this:

Today is September 11th. Four years after THE September 11th in New York. So much has changed. A huge amount of people who usually let themselves be led by routine possibly changed. I bet many people did not let to do tomorrow what can be done today. I bet that, at least, in that year of 2001 many, many people valued life a lot more.

It is the same speech after Madrid. And it is the same speech after Beslan and London. By the way, how far can we go? A terrorist attack in a school, killing almost 700 people… a majority of children. Children??? The worst is that we cannot even put the blame on some unknown alien species. Oh no! Individuals from our own species show us how bestial we can be.

I guess there will always be many forms of sadness and tragedy that we use as a warning to wake us up and make us do what we proposed ourselves to do. Do what is more important to us. Focus on our priorities. Either we do that ourselves or nature does.

But, most of our lives we spend in a “middle term”, in the “middle of the way”. We fall into the “ALMOST” ground. I almost wrote, I almost learned how to knit, I almost became a pianist, I almost liked you, I was almost loved… ALMOST!
How much of our lives we dedicate to those moments? Wow, if we decided to be profoundly sincere… ALMOST all of our lives. What save us are the instants when the “almost” becomes a fact. If not for those instants, we would have been almost conceived and almost would have lived to almost learn that just live is not enough. Not even close to be.

I almost wrote so many times. In other times, even wrote it and almost send it. But I did not do any of those… In the process I lost all the news I could have known, I did not talk to the people I love and I did not share what I would have liked to share. Unfortunately, in this case, it was not almost… It simply did not happen.
And this way we keep learning. I do not believe we need people dying in a horrific way to remind us of what we almost did and what we really did. We do not need wars to prove that we are alive. We just need to love. It’s enough to smile. It’s enough to sing. It’s enough to feel. It’s enough. That’s it. We live wholly and not “almost” anymore...

It is very simple, isn’t it? Why does it seem so difficult to avoid the “almost”?

This time I am not going to talk about anything. I am not going to talk about my feelings. Your feelings. I almost put them there, but I did not. And that’s it. Because the “almost” this time meant that I substituted the original proposition with another. Was it better? Was it an “almost moment”? What gives us the certainty that an “almost moment” was not a “fact moment”? Hm, I believe that just we have that answer. And I believe this is one of our greatest dilemmas.

Some time ago I read a book that talked exactly about this. It discussed about the paths that we take in our lives, our choices. What guarantees us that a choice is better than another? That “an almost moment” is not an “almost” but the best choice we made in our lives. I could have lost my son during pregnancy… I could have chosen not to have him… I could have not gone to Italy. I could have not come back home. I could have not met you. What would be of me? Certainly I would not be me and you, supposedly, would not be you.

All of our lives are connected and the choice one makes affects the other. The key is really in our choices. Why many will be considered like “almosts” and others will be excellent options? Why some are praised and others seriously criticized? Who is the judge of our game?

Today, in this instant of my life, in this singular moment… I can say that I only can be thankful to my “almost” choices. Be thankful to my “almost moments”. I KNOW that to live in the “almost” is not that nice. I know that we should do what we want, have our priorities, etc… But, if not for my “almost moments” I would not have made mistakes (and would not be making them still), I would not have learned (and would not be learning still). I would be perfect. I would be dead, because by definition what is perfect is complete and what is complete is done.

I can only imagine that the “almosts” can be good, as long as we know how to choose them well. As long as we know how to live with the choices we make. We will make mistakes and hurt people we love, sometimes we are going to compensate them and sometimes not. Some mistakes will be possible to correct and some not. And there is no crying because life goes on.

I believe that it is right at this second that we define if our choices are “almost moments” or “the choices that brought us here”. At the time that we accept them as part of ours lives and move on.

At the time we stop worrying with what we almost did and give more attention to what we actually do. At the time we dream and grow up, love and cry. At the time we sing and laugh, we work and talk.

We pay more attention at the time when we breathe and live.